The first day of the pilgrimage I walked from Fidenza to Costamezzana (near Parma in the region of Emilia Romagna.) Costamezzana is a small village with one restaurant and one church and a hostel where pilgrims stay for 10 euro a night. I arrived at lunch time and was famished. No, I didn’t want a frugal lunch of bread and cheese by the roadside. It was my first day, and I had not gotten lost but I was very tired and I eagerly entered the restaurant and told them “Una persona.” There was only one other table occupied. There was no menu. I was told what the options were. I had a plate of salumi, prosciutto, sopressata, and pancetta to start. It seemed at first, too much, but I ate it all. Then I had crespelle (crepes) with a super good bechamel sauce, and then an insalata mista. I had a 1/4 liter of the fizzy white wine of the region. The waiter, hearing that I was a pilgrim, brought me a magazine about the Via Francigena. In it I read an interview with Don Mario Lusek, Director of the National Office for the Pastoral of Free Time, Tourism, and Sport. Quoting him:
“I think that nothing is more secular, and more Christian, than considering life as a journey, a search, a pilgrimage towards the discovery of the source of our common human nature. We believers call it God. No one, in the name of God, is a stranger to me.”

The lunch turns out to be free. The waiter says: “Because it is the first day of your pilgrimage.”

The next day was full of rain, mud, wet hay, wet feet, and strangers who became friends. I left the hostel at 6:45 and went to the one bar (attached to the one restaurant) intending to get a glass of hot milk into which I could pour my protein powder. The bar was closed. A sign said “Chiuso Lunedi.” I ate some of my energy nuggets there in the empty street and headed down the hill, in the rain, following my printed directions. At the bottom of hill I turned up a steep narrow road through the woods. The beech and Pine trees dripped with water. On my left a ravine with a stream and on my right a steep hill with a castello at the top. There was not a single car nor a single person. With the rain and mist and heavily wooded road it seemed almost dark. The square red brick tower of the castello stuck up through the trees. My shell rain pants did not breathe. The hike up the hill had generated enough heat that tomatoes would have grown in the pants. I turned onto a tractor track next to a vineyard. The shoes I had waterproofed twice seemed to be letting in water. I walked through the wet grass on the track and my socks felt suspiciously wet. I told myself I must be imagining it.

The clay-like dirt of the track had turned to sticky mud in the rain. Every few steps I had to stop and poke at the mud on my shoes with my hiking poles. It quickly piled up on my shoes making it feel like I was walking on very uneven platform shoes. “Note to self: tractor tracks don’t work in the rain.”

I had hopes of passing a hamlet with a bar so I could have breakfast but thus far it was silent countryside with no signs of a person. I came to a paved road which was a relief after the mud and I through the mist I could see some houses. One beautiful stately green one with rows of white-trimmed windows that came and went through the mist. When I arrived at the small group of homes, not a person was to be seen. Just to humor myself I said out-loud: “Anyone want to give a pilgrim some breakfast?”

I was reminded of the poem The Listeners, and I quoted to myself:

‘Is there anybody there?’ he said.
But no one descended to the Traveler;
No head from the leaf-fringed sill
Leaned over and looked into his grey eyes,
Where he stood perplexed and still.

After a short bit on the paved road, the route had me turning onto another tractor track. The valley and the lines of hills around it, were so lovely, even in the misty rain, that I had to stop, get out my camera and take a photo.farm in rainThe fields all had different patterns and colors, some green, some golden, and here and there a farm house on a ridge, and mists filled the valleys. It was utterly tranquil. Then I tried to walk down the track. My shoes became impossibly caked with mud at each step. I was wobbling ridiculously on clumpy uneven shoes. I tried to do a silly shaking of my feet with each step. Nothing helped. At the bottom of the hill was a farm house. “Maybe someone will be up and about now that it is 9:00 am,” I thought.

A dog came out barking and a man followed. “Buon Giorno!” I called out. He responded and we exchanged a few words and soon enough I was invited inside. I took off my muddy shoes at his doorstep and followed him upstairs where his wife fixed me coffee with warm milk served in a bowl. I was more weary than I had realized. I sat with my feet in my wet socks at their kitchen table for over an hour. Their two teen-aged children arose and came into the kitchen sleepy-eyed and found a wet pilgrim at their breakfast table.

We shared a stimulating conversation about the death penalty (a topic that Italians often bring up with me due to my country’s stance on it) and about health care (my pet issue lately.) The man had traveled in California and with a big grin he repeated a few times that there is a town in California named after him: Modesto. I had never before met an Italian called Modesto.farmer with prosciutto

boy with parmeggianoThey sent me off with a prosciutto sandwich and a chunk of Parmeggiano Reggiano. Two products from their region which they’re very proud of.


Packing light enough for a long distance walk is a challenge but I’M IN! Seeing my pack weight today, I would say I am off to good start, given that I had to get all this together in only 2 weeks. I selected my items carefully and packed tiny amounts of toiletries, such as only 1 oz of shampoo. I packed it all today and weighed the pack and I’m in at an acceptable weight on the first try :-) I have a Golite pack which is light weight, not super small but not large either. The pack, with my stuff in it, weighs 19 pounds but that’s without water, so add a few more pounds for water. A rule of thumb for an appropriate pack weight is that a fourth of your body weights is cumbersome. From one fifth and down, you should be able to hike comfortably. A fifth of my body weight is about 26 pounds.

Here is what my pack contains:

Clothes:
1 Golite synthetic long sleeve layering shirt
1 poly coolmax sports bra-top
2 lightweight coolmax hiking t-shirts
1 pair hiking pants that zip off into shorts
1 pair REI nylon shorts
1 pair Prana capri lightweight pants for evening
1 cotton t-shirt for evening and sleeping
1 light rain shell pants
1 light rain jacket
1 bandana
1 sunhat & sunglasses
1 pair light weight Solomon trail shoes
1 pair Keens
5 pair REI hiking socks
4 pair quick drying women’s hiking underwear

Miscellaneous & gadgets:
1 pair hiking poles
2 small notebooks for journaling + 3 pens
passport
print outs about route and accommodation
1 lightweight sleeping bag
pack cover in case of rain
headlamp + extra AAA batteries
digital camera + charger & adapter
ipod with Sacred Contracts book by C. Myss on it
emergenC packs
protein powder (because Italians don’t eat breakfast)
camelback bladder + one Nalgene bottle
potable aqua tablets
Nuva Ring prescription
Synthroid prescription

Toiletries/First Aid:
1 travel towel
4 sheets moleskin & 4 blister pads
bandaides
Newskin liquid bandage .3oz
Ibuprophen
Tiger balm pain relief patches
hand sanitizer 2 oz
bug spray 2 oz
small army knife
toothbrush & 2.7 oz toothpaste
hand lotion 1 oz
face cream 1 oz
sun block 3 oz
Dr. Bronner’s soap 4 oz
shampoo 1 oz
deodorant .5 oz
diva cup
hair ties


“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”

(Attributed to Goethe but in fact by William Hutchinson Murray from his 1951 book The Scottish Himalayan Expedition)

This quote is important to me because when you take a risk in your life & do something that doesn’t follow the status quo, inevitably the naysayers fling their doubts at you. “You’re crazy” “I’m afraid for you” “You’ve come undone” “You’re risking your life” All these I have heard as I plan my pilgrimage walk. You’d think I was planning to walk across Afghanistan!

I have to filter these comments, and set them against what my experience has been, when I’ve been on the road alone. I compare the two, just to be sure I am not crazy. And then I have to make a concerted effort not to take on their fear. I want to learn to embrace the higher power, I want to leap and trust that the net will appear. It is not easy to hold that energy, that approach to life, to the world. Fear and doubt are powerful. They will take up residence inside of you very quickly if you open your door an inch to them.

I am not religious and I don’t know how to pray. But I am glad I’ll be staying in monasteries. With so much prayer expressed within those walls, for so many centuries, the energy is one of faith and trust in a higher power. Grant me the ability to open my heart to that energy.

I met a man called Jim on the Slow Travel forum. He is an experienced backcountry, long distance hiker. He reassured me by emailing me this note:

“There are some key elements to being a successful solo hiker…..introspection to make all that time on the trail of value to you; resilience in being able to overcome the hardships; and a sense of adventure to make it all worthwhile….in a scan of your blog it certainly appears that you have all three.”

He also sent me a quote by Teddy Roosevelt:

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”

Jim then went on to say:
“I would apply this to the people who have told you this is not doable, too dangerous, etc. You have succeeded just by committing to the trip, regardless of the outcome which, I am fully confident, will be nothing short of a full rejuvenation of body and spirit.”

While many of my friends have been encouraging, it is interesting that some people I know well have said nothing about my trip, have not responded at all. And here is this man I have never met, taking the time to send me so much encouragement and to develop a belief in me, to where I feel held. If he holds, as he says he does, the completely confident thought, that my journey will be “a full rejuvenation of body and spirit” then I feel held. I feel held in the love and light which is at the core of each of us and at the core of the universe.

We don’t have to run around bombing each other, hating each other, creating negativity. We don’t have to do it. We have a choice. And I don’t know why this is so hard for human beings. All we have to do is change our thoughts. All we have to do is invite love in, keep our hearts open, and see the humanity in others, not just in those who are like ourselves, but in those who are different.

Have you ever had to start your life over? Did you know how to figure it out? With your help I can take this step in rebuilding my life. Donate ten minutes and ten dollars to help Chandi manifest her 30-day pilgrim’s walk in Italy!

The plan is to spend the month of June walking the ancient Via Francigena, a pilgrim’s route from the middle ages, that ends in Rome. ChandiFlorenceJuly2003

Why the heck?

•    Right now, post-divorce, is when I am supposed to find my authentic life.  Yet, I, like many people, am afraid of really diving into my passion and living my most authentic life, because it entails risk.

•    I am exhausted from the energy it took to stay alive in the hospital, and from the energy it took to go through the divorce while severely weakened physically.  I am exhausted from the job search and the anxiety of how to pay bills. How do I rejuvenate myself?

•    My therapist says: “It takes a lot of energy to not be you.” Perhaps that is why I am exhausted. I have not been true to my authentic self. I have always had trouble following my heart. The way to rejuvenate my heart and complete my physical healing is to successfully complete this walk.

•    There is nothing logical about it. But has logic ever been involved when someone has truly followed his/her passions? The walk is not reasonable given my current economic circumstances. Due to how little I have been able to work since July, I have made about $3,000 in the past year. I am scraping along, trading, borrowing, babysitting, and taking in a renter, trying to keep my mortgage paid. (After losing my husband and almost losing my life, I don’t want to lose my house.)

•    It is my goal in doing this walk, to learn how to follow my heart; create a more authentic life; and be better equipped to create a more stable and prosperous financial situation.

•    At this time in my life, I have the opportunity to rise from the ashes and create the life I want. But not only is there fear about the risks involved with following my passion, but there is fear in going back to Italy. As soon as I think of it, I have flash backs to the trauma of my illness. The best thing, in this case, is to get back on the horse and ride again.

Why walk and will this be a book?

• I wish to walk because I have lost an inordinate amount of physical strength, and what I can still do is walk. In spite of not being physically strong, I only have to recall the strength I had to come up with to get through my ordeal in the Italian hospital, to know that I can do this walk. Walking daily will help me regain my strength. It is also very meditative and I plan to sift through all I have learned this year about personal growth and about how to achieve an authentic life.

•    Yes, a book may happen. I have received interest from two publishers, neither of which is in a position to give me an advance. But, both encouraged me to do the walk and contact them again when I have some of the book written. If the book is published, and if you’ve donated to my Ten for Ten Campaign, you will be acknowledged in the book.

How you can help

•    Take 10 minutes to read Chandi’s blog to understand what happened to her this year. (If you don’t already know.) To get an overview, go to August in the right column and read posts from Aug 9 & Aug 11, and then a sampling of posts from September to March.

•    Click on the PayPal link and donate $10.00. If 100 people donate $10.00 each, Chandi will have enough for her airfare.

A million thanks, mille grazie, for your support!

I got the divorce decree in the mail the other day. It was signed on April 15th. Eleven years after our engagement party. Ten years and seven months after our wedding. Seven months after we filed for divorce. A year and four months after we officially separated. Two years and eight months after we took a workshop with our therapist and came to the realization that we should probably split up.

On a side note, one bizarre thing is that I found myself, for no apparent reason, taking off my wedding ring the other day. I was at the computer and I pulled the ring off and set it down in front of the monitor. It was an action without a particular thought attached. Later that day, I got the divorce decree in the mail.

The separation and the ultimate divorce took some years, but it was better that way. Neither of us dumped the news on the other. Neither of us had a big shock. We both came to the realization. We spent all the time we needed to process with each other, and to disentangle from each other. It took a while before we were ready to step into the actual divorce process.

Stepping into the actual divorce process is scary. That’s when you enter the really acute phase. I have friends who have never wanted to face that part, who have chosen to remain separated and never get the actual divorce. One friend says she does this because she wants to get his health insurance. I can see the appeal. I’d like to have good health insurance coverage. I hate avoiding doctor visits when I need them, because of not being able to afford them. But that for me, is not a good enough reason to avoid the divorce process. I have to be brave. I have to face the world on my own. And if I don’t have health insurance for a while, so be it.

I have to believe that I will get a job that allows me to support myself and gives me health benefits. Facing the divorce process and facing the fear of being on your own (financially and psychologically) for me is the way to go. It is much cleaner to get the divorce. I think it gives you more opportunity to do the personal work, to face fears, to grow, to get strong on your own, and to allow for the right person to come into your life.

When I was at the Convent, eating the meals prepared there, with the sweet nuns holding platters of fried zucchini blossoms and veal with lemon and tureens of risotto con funghi, I thought to myself, “Why would I live anywhere else?” Why would I live far away from this prosciutto, from this mozzarella?

Why would I live anywhere else but this place, where men’s names are like flowers. I am not quite sure what the point is of dating men in Denver or Boulder. Men with names like Tim and Mike and Bill and Bob… what’s the point when I could be in Italy with a man called Floriano or Alessandro, or Fiorello or Ambrogio?

Why really, would I want to buy cheese at Whole Foods when I could buy it at Volpetti in Rome? Why would I ever want to buy ortigia-siracusa5oddly green pistacchio ice-cream at Safeway when I could be in the Sicilian Gelateria in Florence, getting a vero pistacchio gelato?

Why would I want a cappuccino (that is sacrilegiously dumped into a to-go cup) at Starbucks when I could get one at Cibreo Caffe in Florence, or at Sant’ Eustachio in Rome?

Why would I want to go into the “Leanin’ Tree Musuem” in Boulder when I could go into the Galleria Pitti in Florence and gaze upon Raphael’s Madonna della Sedia?

I am sorry America, that you can’t add up to Italy for me. For better or for worse the United States of America is my country. It is the language I will always be best able to express myself in. It is the land of my birth, it is where I vote and pay taxes. But it refuses to give me affordable health care. And it did not produce Raphael, Michelangelo, Lorenzo de Medici, Humanism, the birth of modern love poetry, Petrarch, Brunelleschi, the Roman arch, Donatello and Dante and Alberti, Botticelli, Galileo, the Republic, the Renaissance, the Studia Humanitatis, the cello, the piano…

The U.S. did not create the pizza, or mozzarella di bufala, or prosciutto or Brunello or Vin Santo. It does not have islands with a caressing sensuous sea like the Mediterranean, chandi-panareaand it doesn’t have a language that sings. And somehow, my country doesn’t seem to know as much about romance as Italy does.

I was in the hospital for 3 weeks in Italy and it was free. In the U.S. I’d be under the enormous weight of owing over $100,000 to a hospital, if it had happened here. Now WHY would I remain here? Because my family is here. Because my sense of community is here. Because in Italy I’d always be a foreigner. I might even always be illegal. Yet I can’t live without it.

I can’t live without the Ponte Santa Trinita’ at sunset. I can’t live without stopping to hear the musician on the Ponte Vecchio at midnight. I can’t live without a late summer dinner at a trattoria table in a narrow Trastevere street, and wandering afterwards, amongst the paintings displayed in piazza Santa Maria in Trastevere. I can’t live without the violets in the Campo dei Fioriflorencespring market in March, I can’t live without the Chianti countryside in the spring with the iris and poppies under the olive trees. I can’t live without the train to Naples and the hydrofoil to Stromboli and the Aeolian spaghetti on Salina with the best capers in the world. I can’t live without finding my bike at the Florence train station after a trip to the islands, getting on it in my sun dress, with a pack on my back, and biking through the Piazza del Duomo, headed home to Sant’Ambrogio, with the bells of Giotto’s tower resounding around me. firstlight2

What is “completion” versus “getting over”? The notion of “getting over” someone or forcibly “moving on” in the case of a divorce, is not a helpful notion. “Getting over” implies that you are supposed to “forget” that person. Likewise “Just move on” implies that you shouldn’t bother with serious efforts at emotional completion.  If you’ve had a long relationship and the person has been significant in your life, it is not possible to totally “forget” and if you forcibly try to “just move on” you won’t know what to do with your fond memories or your painful ones.

It is possible to obtain completion in a healthy way so that you are not bringing uncompleted emotional baggage into your next relationship. The thing to realize is that you may not be able to get completion directly with your ex. You likely will need to do it on your own. This is something that really hit home for me during the last months of the divorce process. Without realizing it, I was still turning to D, wanting to get completion through communication with him. During one of our divorce talks about how to split up material objects, the conversation turned toward emotional upsets that had occurred in the marriage. D had a strong reaction to something emotional that I brought up. He swore and stormed out of the house. I was so shocked that our conversation had had this result, that I phoned my therapist.

My therapist explained to me that I was wanting closure from someone who could not give it. He said to me in a clear definitive way: “The relationship is dead.” And after that, something shifted for me. It was important for me to realize that I was unconsciously looking to D, to get my closure, and that I could NOT get it from him. And it helped to hear the words, and to let them truly sink it: “The relationship is dead.”

After that I never had a need again to turn to him for “completion.” After that I noticed a shift. I was in fact not turning to him at all anymore. I had arrived at the point where I didn’t care, which is a wonderful place to arrive, when you’re in a divorce process. It didn’t mean I won’t care about him down the road. What it meant is that I had finally disentangled. I was finally “me on my own.” I was no longer turning to him in my head. It meant I truly understood that I could not turn to him to get resolution for the wounding that had happened in the marriage. It meant I was going to do what I needed to do, to get completion on my own.

A good place to start, with the process of “completion” is to understand that you are responsible for your feelings. “When you hold someone else 100% responsible for your feelings, you place yourself in an emotional jail. The other person can never let you out, because it’s a jail of your own construction. It is built on the idea that not only do others have the power to make you feel but you must keep feeling it until they release you.” (from the book: Moving On by Friedman and James.)

This is a simple but very good concept to take on. If I continued to have a need to get completion via my ex, I would be in an emotional jail that only he could release me from. My therapist’s words and my own willingness to see my failings and to do “the work” has released me from that jail. And I must say, I am experiencing a lot of freedom lately. I did the exercises on completion in the above-mentioned book, which took me many days to do, and then I read out loud to my therapist the “completion letter” that is the last piece of the exercise. The authors are adamant that the letter must be read out loud to an empathetic listener. They are equally adamant that the letter cannot be read to the person to whom it is written.

I no longer have angry dreams about my ex. The wounds that had a lot of intensity for me during the marriage, have very little charge now. It is not that I will completely forget that those wounds happened. Again, the idea is not that it is possible to totally forget. The idea is to get a true sense of completion.

My advice is do not listen to anyone who says: “just move on, just get over it.” This results in shoving your emotional wounds under a rug, putting on a false bright face, trying to behave as if you’ve moved on, while bringing unresolved emotional baggage into your next relationship. I am pleased to say that I am now seeing the results of all my efforts to do the divorce in a healthy way. I am feeling a much greater sense of completion than even a few months ago and I am certainly in a much stronger place than I was a year ago. One thing I have realized is that time does not “heal wounds.” If you have emotional baggage that you are hanging on to, consciously or not, time is not going to take away that baggage. You must face the demons and do the hard work.

Completion means that you’ve communicated everything that was unfinished in your past relationship. It doesn’t mean you won’t be sad again. Completion allows you to have an emotional memory of someone, but you’ll no longer have a reaction that stings of wounding or is charged with anger. Proper completion is freedom.

The loan will close next week.

The divorce paper work will be turned in to the court next week.

It is over.

Here is an image and a thought

that fits the occasion for me tonight:

It must have been love, but it’s over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it’s over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out
walkingawayweddingpic1

Florence, Sept 1998


Stories from divorced women:


Amy S. D.:

A while back I adopted the adage: “Friends come in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime”. I have found that through personal hardship you discover who your true friends are and typically you can put them into one those categories. At the beginning of my divorce I had tremendous support from my friends and family. However, as the time went by the unexpected happened. I came to realize that some of the friends and family I thought were in the “lifetime” category transitioned into the “reason” or “season” categories. As if grieving the loss of a spouse wasn’t enough, now I was confronted with losing friends and family.

One girlfriend in particular, who I had been there for during hardships of her own, and we’d spent many vacations together with our spouses, and shared many intimate details about our lives, became a “reason” friend. I learned the “reason” we were friends was only because our husbands were friends originally. I would never have guessed that my friendship with her could only exist if I was married. On the family front, I learned that the extended family I gained through my marriage fit into the “reason” category too. It never occurred to me in the beginning of the divorce that I would be losing not only a spouse but his family too. I expected some expression of sentiment, some effort to show that me being in their life all those years had some value, but I was wrong. Not a single phone call, letter, or email ever came from his family who I adored. Needless to say this hurt tremendously and compounded my grief.


Amy’s tip:

Accept that friends and family come in and out of our lives and be thankful for what they did bring to your life during the time you were blessed to have them around.


Lisa H.:

My divorce tested my strength and also my friendships. I was very self-absorbed, you have to be…you have a lot going on and a lot to process when you are going through a divorce. Your world gets small and you have to focus on lots of details and on advocating for yourself. Your friendships are crucial to your support system during this time.

I had a girlfriend who really came through for me during my separation and divorce. She and I had an up and down relationship over the years. She was older and single, never married, and was frustrated about this. We had a falling out when I had my first child, as I was not as available. Then we reunited during my divorce and we were both very available to one another. She needed me to need her….so, when I was needy, she ate it up. I really appreciated her and was grateful to her and she knew this. She was there the night I met my current husband. We were out early one Saturday night playing ping pong at a local pub. I think her jealousy started that night when Chris clearly was locked on to me and asked me out.

Several months later, when Chris and I started to date, my girlfriend had a very difficult time. I think at the core she was incredibly envious – I had a child, had survived my divorce well, and now I had met a wonderful man. And, I was no longer as needy or as available. She started to act out toward me, saying things that were derogatory, and being plain old mean. So it was a pattern in the relationship – when I wasn’t totally available and had to care for other things, whether my child, or a new relationship…it was hard for her. And when I was needy, she was there.

When I was more healthy, her jealousy and envy would rise. And she wasn’t nice about it. After a while I thought “I don’t need this game.” She was not owning her stuff and she was too needy and demanding. And ultimately, she was not happy about my health and happiness.


Lisa’s tip:

I suggest women put together a “team” of professionals and grounded, wise, available friends to help them get through divorce. Many people think that all they need is a lawyer or a mediator and neglect the emotional part of what is going on for them. If they don’t have a place to process and deal with their feelings, they will not really be complete with their divorce, even if it’s finished on paper.


Molly G.:

I was close to some members of my ex’s family. I felt so happy to be a member of such a warm and fun loving, multi-generational family that really showed up and supported each other. I felt welcomed into his family’s warm embrace. He had 6 brothers and sisters, their spouses and children and grandchildren, and they all lived nearby. I can’t tell you how many family events I attended over 18 years with him, from funerals to weddings, high school graduations, and holiday dinners, etc. Over the years, as my ex-husband’s drug problems became very painful, members of the family grew more distant, not wanting to get involved. One of his sisters was always there for me. She had over 25 years of experience in AA and Alanon. Since the break-up and divorce, I have not heard a word from anyone in the family. These are college-educated people. Surely they must know how their silence and distance hurts me.


Molly’s tip:

Send a card! If you’ve been close with your sister in law, daughter in law, etc. a note will be extremely appreciated. I did that for my now ex-sister-in-law after her divorce from my brother. She was incredibly grateful for my letter. She called me to thank me.

The Fisher Divorce Rebuilding book has a chapter on friendship which notes the three main reasons a loss of a friend (or friends) can occur when you are going through a divorce.

1) Now you are single and could be seen as a threat. A friend who feels insecure in his/her marriage may see you as a potential love partner for his/her spouse.

2) Divorce is polarizing. Friends may feel a need to choose between you and your ex.

3) Your divorce can be threatening to those with rocky marriages.

Honestly numbers 1 and 3 seem like the same thing. I am surprised that the authors did not list the fact that some friends disappear when you’re going through a divorce because they are “fair weather friends.” They do not want to accept that you are in a grief process. They just want to know that you have moved on and that you’re ready to head out on the town with them. Along those sames lines, some friends disappear because they don’t know what to say to you.

(On a side note, our culture is terrible about the grief process and so it is no wonder that some people feel uncomfortable with a friend’s grief process when our whole culture is uncomfortable with grief/death/loss.)

After my near death and my long hospitalization in Italy and my return to the U.S. to face the divorce process while still extremely ill, I commented to a girl friend that I had not heard from a mutual girl friend of ours. She said to me: “I think some people just don’t know what to say.”

I’d like to suggest to people who finds themselves “not knowing what to say” that it really is not that hard. All you have to do is once in a while call or email and with heart felt sincerity say: “I’m thinking about you.”

As I have gone down this road of transition, with the physical and emotional healing, the grief, the loss and the rebuilding, I have certainly seen who is able to be there and who is not. I actually don’t know anyone besides my sister who has been as ill as I was and hospitalized for as long as I was. She has been a pillar of support. Lots of other people were supportive but no one can begin to imagine what that kind of physical pain is like unless they’ve gone through it. I know that before it happened to me I never could have imagined it. I could have intellectually understood that a friend of mine was very ill but I never could have imagined what that kind of pain, for weeks on end, was like. My sister is one of the very few people in my life who really knows truly, on a cellular level, what I went through.

Besides my sister, my friends who have gone through divorce are the most supportive. They truly get how much a divorce rocks you to your core. I have some friends who have not gone through it, who make attempts sometimes to be supportive but they don’t get it the way those do who’ve been through it.

Then there are the friends who disappear. This is not about me and my process. It is about them and their limitations. I have one friend who never called when I was in the hospital and never called during the darkest hardest months of my divorce. When we did talk more recently, she made it pretty clear that she didn’t want to hear, in any genuine way, what I’d been experiencing.

Even though she was always much more my friend than my ex’s, whenever I have seen her in the past few months she immediately mentions my ex and tells me how they went on a hike, or how he called her the other day and how she intends to invite him to xyz event. She also seems to like to announce to me how much my ex has moved on. It is not that she’s dating him, it is that she’s just incredibly insensitive to how it makes me feel when she brings him up so much. I am trying to disentangle myself from him. Hearing reports about him does NOT help my disentangling process.

I am a friend who really focuses on being supportive to girl friends. My girl friends come first. If every time I saw a friend of mine who was getting divorced, I brought up her ex and the things I was doing with him, it would be SO CLEAR to me that that would be a bitchy thing to do. That it would make her uncomfortable. That it would in no way shape or form be supportive. But some people just don’t get it. And I have to accept that, and chose to be around those who are healthy for me.

What I want to suggest with this post is that if you have a friend going through a divorce, don’t rub salt in her wound by disappearing. Don’t cause her to have ANOTHER LOSS. Your divorcing friend is already going through an immense loss and your disappearance (or bad behavior when you’re around her) is going to create another loss for her to deal with. Do you really want to compound someone’s loss? Do you really want to rub salt in someone’s wound? Probably not. So don’t behave badly and don’t disappear and DO reach out once in a while and genuinely ask her how she’s doing. IT’S NOT THAT HARD!!!

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